Five Years

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Today it's been five years. Five years since it was confirmed that I had cancer. 

At that time the idea of reaching this date seemed pretty unlikely. I would spend hours researching the prognosis for young women with breast cancer and the majority of my late-night Google findings had tragic and frightening outcomes. More often than not I was pretty convinced that I wouldn't live beyond 2 years. 

But today is THEE day. My 5 year mark has arrived. 

I'm told that recurrence rates decrease a little bit beyond this point, though I know nobody truly knows. But to be here in this moment with no evidence of disease (as far as I know) feels like a miracle. I am thankful beyond words. Quite honestly, it feels like a dream that I've reached this point in survivorship. At times this milestone felt like it would never come. 2017 was once so far away! There was so much time for the shit to hit the fan! 

So I told myself that if I reached 5 years I would: 1. Be in Hawaii 2. Be cracking the bottle of wine that was bought the day I found the lump 3. Have a burning ceremony of all the booklets, pill boxes and papers related to my diagnosis. 

NOW: Hawaii is waiting for me in February. I don't really drink, so I'm not sure about the wine. And I do plan on cleansing the house of evidence that I was a cancer patient (minus all my patho reports of course). 

SO today feels pretty damn special to me. It's emotional. It's raw. I'm feeling part I've-Come-So-Far celebratory, part holy F*CK that just happened, and a small part still learning to live with the unknowns. I know nothing is guaranteed and 5 years doesn't mean 'cured'. But I feel a healing occurring in me daily. And even through the hard stuff, the loss, the reminders, the physical / emotional scars, I can say I am fairly at peace with where I'm at. 

Was cancer a gift? No. But it's been my teacher. It somehow managed to make my world feel both broken AND whole. It made me face my mortality - And it taught me how to live. It's been the worst thing - And it's also lead to the best things. 

❤️ Carrying a smile and an ever-grateful heart. ❤️ 

And Then I Didn't Blog For 6 Months

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Well hello there internet world of blogging! I'm still here!! But I have been lacking in the "write-out-your-feelings and life-story" department. And really, that is probably a good thing because I haven't exactly known how to formulate things these last few seasons. Hence my long silence.

Time Flies When You're Not Doing Chemo

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Last sesh : July 10, 2012

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I'm hitting a lot of milestones these days. Buying our first home, hitting my first cancerversary, getting married, just did my 50th blog post recently, turning 30 in a few weeks... Today is another one of those 'big days' for me because it is exactly one year ago that I completed my final Taxol chemotherapy session. Yes, once again, I am choosing to note any major cancer anniversary date that has meaning for me. Who knew there would be so many of them? And who would have thought I would have been able to retain exact calendar dates in my head too! (Take that chemo brain!)

A + M = Together, We Rule

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!!! MUSHINESS ALERT !!!

Mikey & Me : circa 2006

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In every relationship there are challenges. You don't always see eye to eye, you might bicker about trivial things, have some pet peeves that may drive you crazy. Even the most solid couples have their issues... it could be a difference in parenting styles, the occasional communication break down, not getting enough down time together, a recurring argument about finances or maybe a certain particular one of you is a bad back-seat driver and has a tendency to be a bit bossy in downtown Vancouver traffic... (Who? ME? Never!)

Keeping Track: My Crazy 2012

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I was going to make this post about all the things I learned this year, major milestones and a list of what I am grateful for. But writing that out is somewhat of a daunting task for me because it requires actual thinking…and lately I have been so tired I haven't much energy to form meaningful sentences. Plus it would also entail some heavy duty reflection... and let's be honest, we all know 2012 was mostly one big nightmare.

This Time Last Year

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This time last year I was waiting for an ultra sound. I was supposed to get it on December 8, 2011 but the radiology department at St. Mary's Hospital was short-staffed and they had to cancel and push me back a full week. I didn't mind. I wasn't worried. I didn't care that it would be delayed. As far as I was concerned I didn't need to rush it because I didn't believe there was reason to worry.

What Would YOU Give To End Breast Cancer?

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As a member of the Army of Women I have learned about a lot of great work that the Dr. Susan Love Research Foundation is doing. The latest BIG news in action and the future of women's health begins today...

Art as Therapy – "Lonely"

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"Lonely" 

This piece of artwork was prompted by Illustration Friday's topic of the week. (Illustration Friday is an online weekly artistic challenge and participatory art exhibit)

No Longer a Human Pin-Cushion & Six Weeks in Pictures

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I am officially done with chemotherapy treatments and the neupogen injections that went along with it!!!

Things That Keep Me Going

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I'm a list maker. I love making lists...doodling in the margins and making my list look fun and happy...So that when I cross something off I feel really good!

Ok - I'm a total geek.

The Chemo Report : Day 1 • Cycle 1

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Just a quick little update to say that so far so good... I seem to be managing ok with only a few little weird things that I am noticing. Nausea has been almost nothing. I am just really tired and feel a bit nutty when I try to close my eyes to rest. It's like an inner movie in my mind that plays but I am not really asleep. When I open my eyes I expect to be seeing what it is I saw with my eyes closed. Like closed eye hallucinations or something? Strange... Making a note of it as I want to try and figure out which drugs are doing what to me. I feel like I'm on sooo many!!

There's Always a Choice

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I wish it was just an April Fool's joke that I have to start chemo this Tuesday. Unfortunately that is not the case. But in the last few weeks I have really been working at being OK with it.

Greetings From Estrogen City

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Irritable, emotional and agitated…I am a walking ball of womanly hormones.

From The Beginning

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On Saturday December 3rd, 2011 I found a lump in my left boob when I was showering. I think it was the new slippery soap I was using that made me really notice it.  Finding it alarmed me. I knew it wasn't normal breast tissue so I made my way to see my GP first thing on Monday. She seemed to think it would be a cyst because of my age but she sent me for an ultra sound to check it out.