Five Years

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Today it's been five years. Five years since it was confirmed that I had cancer. 

At that time the idea of reaching this date seemed pretty unlikely. I would spend hours researching the prognosis for young women with breast cancer and the majority of my late-night Google findings had tragic and frightening outcomes. More often than not I was pretty convinced that I wouldn't live beyond 2 years. 

But today is THEE day. My 5 year mark has arrived. 

I'm told that recurrence rates decrease a little bit beyond this point, though I know nobody truly knows. But to be here in this moment with no evidence of disease (as far as I know) feels like a miracle. I am thankful beyond words. Quite honestly, it feels like a dream that I've reached this point in survivorship. At times this milestone felt like it would never come. 2017 was once so far away! There was so much time for the shit to hit the fan! 

So I told myself that if I reached 5 years I would: 1. Be in Hawaii 2. Be cracking the bottle of wine that was bought the day I found the lump 3. Have a burning ceremony of all the booklets, pill boxes and papers related to my diagnosis. 

NOW: Hawaii is waiting for me in February. I don't really drink, so I'm not sure about the wine. And I do plan on cleansing the house of evidence that I was a cancer patient (minus all my patho reports of course). 

SO today feels pretty damn special to me. It's emotional. It's raw. I'm feeling part I've-Come-So-Far celebratory, part holy F*CK that just happened, and a small part still learning to live with the unknowns. I know nothing is guaranteed and 5 years doesn't mean 'cured'. But I feel a healing occurring in me daily. And even through the hard stuff, the loss, the reminders, the physical / emotional scars, I can say I am fairly at peace with where I'm at. 

Was cancer a gift? No. But it's been my teacher. It somehow managed to make my world feel both broken AND whole. It made me face my mortality - And it taught me how to live. It's been the worst thing - And it's also lead to the best things. 

❤️ Carrying a smile and an ever-grateful heart. ❤️ 

An October Post In December: After Cancer Anxiety & PTSD

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I wrote this post back in October and never published it. 

I figure since we are coming up to the end of 2013 I would finally put it out there. 

October 2013…

I fell off the blogging band-wagon for a while. Almost two months to be exact. And there's a reason I haven't written since the middle of August. Mostly it is because the things going on in my life have been too challenging for me to want to share while I have been so IN IT. I was waiting for the storm to pass before I decided to hit the keyboard and write. There's something about being in a really tough space that makes me just want to run, hide, curl up with a cat and not blog. But partly why I haven't written in awhile is simply that I have really just had a lot going on. Some good, some overwhelming, some crazy... A lot of it still relating to the fact that I had cancer...

How I Use Facebook to Talk About the Reality of Cancer

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Been a bit busy to post this (or anything for that matter!) But wanted to share an article I wrote for Facebookstories.com and Huffington Post that published November 15

Hooray for my first Huff piece! Kinda cool.

And really neat to be contacted by an Editor at Facebook - Not something that happens everyday! Didn't even know they had editors!

Links for the article are below…

How I Use Facebook to Talk About the Reality of Cancer

- On Facebookstories.com
- On Huffington Post Impact

Time Flies When You're Not Doing Chemo

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Last sesh : July 10, 2012

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I'm hitting a lot of milestones these days. Buying our first home, hitting my first cancerversary, getting married, just did my 50th blog post recently, turning 30 in a few weeks... Today is another one of those 'big days' for me because it is exactly one year ago that I completed my final Taxol chemotherapy session. Yes, once again, I am choosing to note any major cancer anniversary date that has meaning for me. Who knew there would be so many of them? And who would have thought I would have been able to retain exact calendar dates in my head too! (Take that chemo brain!)

Best. Day. Ever.

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P H O T O P H I L C R O

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We did it! Last weekend on June 29, exactly one year a part from moving into our first home, Mike and I tied the knot! And our wedding was THEE BEST! ABSO-FREAKIN-LUTELY AMAZING! FLIPPIN' FANTASTIC! BEYOND AWESOME!

A + M = Together, We Rule

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!!! MUSHINESS ALERT !!!

Mikey & Me : circa 2006

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In every relationship there are challenges. You don't always see eye to eye, you might bicker about trivial things, have some pet peeves that may drive you crazy. Even the most solid couples have their issues... it could be a difference in parenting styles, the occasional communication break down, not getting enough down time together, a recurring argument about finances or maybe a certain particular one of you is a bad back-seat driver and has a tendency to be a bit bossy in downtown Vancouver traffic... (Who? ME? Never!)

Life Update: Part 2

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Yet another post where I have procrastinated long enough! I have been wanting to write down my thoughts and do a recap... but also NOT wanting to do it at the same time. I do that often... struggle with wanting and not wanting to do something. It's kinda like weeding the garden... You don't want to do it, you need to do it, and you know starting is the hardest part. But when it's all done you feel soooo much better. And you can feel good that it's done. For me, keeping this blog has been kind of like a form of therapy. In telling my story and releasing some of what has happened in my life I get this great sense of relief afterwards. I can tell when I am need of writing too because I get really agitated and nothing I am doing makes me feel at ease. As soon as I sit down and start getting things down on paper, whether through journaling or, less privately here on the Internet, I soon see that this is what I have been needing to help me chill out. It's just that bit of release of "stuff" in my brain that is in need of purging - and then I'm good.

Life Update: Part 1

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Whenever I go for a long period of time without writing I tend to avoid posting a blog. Not because I don't want to write... I have tons of things to say and share, but because there is just so much ground to cover, summarizing really quickly feels rushed and going into detail seems like a bunch of work.

A lot has happened in the last 4 weeks. And while I often day-dream about writing about recapping it, I also feel it is a bit overwhelming to go back. So I am thinking of dividing this up into a two-parter. I just decided that right now and I feel the weight lifting off of me.

So here goes.

First Chemo Anniversary & First Flu Since Cancer

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Exactly one year ago today I was sitting in the chemo chair for the first time. It feels like yesterday that I was tasting the nastiness of the 'Red Devil' drug as it was being pumped into my veins. I remember it like it was last week. How terrified I was. The nausea before I even had my IV put in. The panic I had. My chemo nurse Allison giving me Ativan. The smells of the drugs and that room. My Mum looking shell-shocked. Mike, white as a sheet. Tanis trying to find things to keep me distracted. I remember so much and yet I have forgotten a ton of it too. Because a lot of it was like one big drugged up hazy hangover. But magnified and worse multiplied by a thousand.

Kicking Cancer Interview: Lauren Trigge

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I met Lauren as I have connected with many other cancer buddies, through the powers of social media. Lauren and I had three things in common: Cancer being the obvious one. We both were very fortunate enough to do fertility preservation before chemo. And both of us are happily engaged to fantastic men who have stood by us during the chaos. (I think she will agree with me that it is nice to have something like planning a wedding as a distraction from everything cancer-related.) 

Please enjoy this wonderfully candid interview where Lauren shares the depths of what it is like for a young adult to have cancer. From emotions, side-effects of treatment to the different kinds of help she received ...and the new meanings she found for her life. Her inspiring outlook is nothing short of amazing.

The Chillin Babes Can Stay Put

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Just a quick post to say that the results for the BRCA gene came back NEGATIVE baby!

Kicking Cancer Interview: Ann Marie Otis

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Since this is the first of its kind on my blog, I must issue a warning of graphic content in the following post. Nothing to be alarmed about, it's not violent or disturbing in nature - It's just the raw honest reality of one woman's post-mastectomy journey being shared. Anyone who has an issue with this may kindly access the X on the top of their browser, click it and this page will promptly disappear. 

Kicking Cancer Interview: Michelle Pammenter Young

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It was roughly 12 years ago that I knew Michelle from my Squamish days working as a barista in Brackendale (when Bean Around The World was still Eagle Run Coffee Company). Michelle was a regular who often came in with her two small children. We didn't really 'know-know' each other but I knew her enough to say hi and, at the time, most likely remembered what type of drink she ordered. 

So when I heard that Michelle had been diagnosed with breast cancer this year I wondered if she'd remember me or not... Either way I had hoped to meet up and it wasn't long before we connected in Vancouver on a day when we both had appointments. Michelle was in the beginning of her chemo treatments and I at the tail end. 

Having cancer in common I often feel an instant friendship connection with people like Michelle... people who have had to face cancer, who know what it's like to feel truly awful and need the strength of family around them to keep them going.

Please enjoy this interview in which Michelle talks about priorities, support from family and friends, writing, sleep issues and how playing her favourite songs brighten her mood... 

Winner Of The Space-Making Giveaway

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A tiny little prayer was said. A hat was filled with names. My fiancé mixed the pieces of paper up in the hat. And a winner was chosen.

Kicking Cancer Interview: Vera Pereskokova

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I had the pleasure of interviewing a fellow young breast cancer survivor last month. Reading Vera Pereskokova's Q & A definitely hit home for me obviously due to the nature and timing of her diagnosis. She also reminded me of an important fact that is often forgotten when it comes to breast cancer. And that is that MEN can get breast cancer too!

Read on to learn about her experiences from surgery, hair loss, to receiving support and making lifestyle changes... 

In My Local Newspaper & A Contest Giveaway

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I have two exciting things to share.

Kicking Cancer Interview: Kristy McDonnell

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Today's post is the beginning of a new series on the ashley kicking cancer blog. I will be featuring some very special people I have met along this crazy year of cancer. Each person's story is unique and I feel it is important to share them. You never know whose experience may touch and help someone else.

First interview of the year is a Q & A with my amazing cancer buddy Kristy McDonnell... She's one tough chick with a beautiful spirit!

The Cancerversary & A Throwback

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Today marks a year since I was told I had breast cancer. I know, I know I said I was done with 2012... but I just started to look back at my photos for the first time since the big C entered my life. I couldn't help but gather a few pictures up to document what I was going through a year ago. And of course I couldn't NOT post about my cancer anniversary date. It is, after all, a day I will never forget.

She Keeps Going and Going and Going and Going...

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Where all the 'magic' happens (side view/treatment)

Radiation treatment is going pretty well thus far. I have 10 sessions under my belt and now 18 to go (of course I am totally keeping track!). So far just experiencing a bit of fatigue, no skin redness or itching, although I am feeling a tightness in the skin and the implant is getting to be even firmer than before. Rock boob is not fun, nor is it very attractive... I'm sure other ladies out there who have had a recon can understand.

Too Much

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Ever feel like there is just so much happening you can't quite figure out what you are supposed to be doing? Where to go and when? What to ignore so you can focus on the important? Confused by random events? Not even able to make sense of the happenings around you? Wondering if you have forgotten something? Or what day of the week it even is? (Or who you even are!? hehe...) This is me right now. And for that, I warn you that this is gonna be a random all-over-the-map kind of post. I will most definitely be jumping around quite a bit!