Thursday, September 6, 2012

Wiggin' Out!

Meet my new friend Bennett! As a caramel-kissed brunette, Bennett enjoys long walks on the beach, sun hats, strawberry sorbet and NOT having to go for radiation therapy next Monday.

Yes, radiation starts next week. The time has come. And even though I have known about it all along and it has been on my treatment agenda, I am super nervous and stressed about it more now than ever!

Before I didn't have an actual date set for it, but now that I know that exactly at 2:15pm on September 10th I am committing myself to this, I'm all revved up with anxiety. This is real! I am doing this!

What worries me the most is the possibility of it causing another cancer years down the road. My second worry is my lungs and heart and how they will fair. And my third worry is how badly my skin will burn, how the implant will manage and whether I will have permanent wonkiness and burn scarring. 

I am trying to keep in mind that I am doing everything I can right now to abolish any micro rogue cells that possibly could be lingering inside my body still. That's why I'm doing this. Because of the 'what ifs' and the aggressiveness of the cells that were in their in the first place. Because my oncologists think I need to do everything I can considering my age. My age! My age! My fricking age!!! (Seriously... could this cancer stuff just not have waited until I was in my 70s?)

With this looming 28 day rads stuff around the corner my life has been a bit of a waiting game. And this radiation thing is like a little annoying monkey on my back... poking at me and reminding me that I can't fully relax just yet. But I have been trying to anyway... I've been trying to enjoy my weekday freedom at the house... tackling little projects here and there... reading a book about someone else's happiness in hopes that it may spark something in my own... doing daily art... enjoying tea... dabbling a bit with raw/live food 'cooking'... learning songs on the piano... Trying not to dwell, over-think, have fear or worry. Trying to be tough, strong and brave. 

Even though it has been a bit of a challenge to feel cheerful and chipper lately, I at least feel a bit more human and less like an alien when I venture out these days. All thanks to some fake hair. 

I didn't think that having a wig like Bennett would make me feel better, but lo and behold, it has. I don't stick out anymore for the first time in 5 months. And that feels great. 

So I bought three wigs. All synthetic and very decently priced because of their fauxness. They definitely are not the same texture as the real wig I initially fell in love with (for $2,200!), but they will do for the time that I need them. (And maybe for longer, since I am totally loving the whole long hair feel)

As for my real hair... it's growing... coming in slowly with its soft fuzzy baby duckling like softness. But it's grey.

GREY! I'm not even 30 and I've got a head of silver. Sad sad Ashley face. 

But who knows, this could just be the first bits playing a trick on me. I have heard other women say that it started out this way for them too (maybe all the toxic chemo crap) and then it went to a brown colour eventually. Which I would be happy with, since anything blonde looks like barf on me now. Hence my purchase of three caramel and brown coloured wigs. I just could not, for the life of me, pull off being a blonde. 

Meh, I guess this is all just a part of the huge overhaul of change in my life this year... Got cancer, got engaged, got a house, lost 20 lbs, lost a boob, did chemo, doing radiation, said goodbye to my hair, accepting my new grey hair... 

What in the flipping heck 2012!!?? You are just crazy!


  1. I really believe the risk that radiation therapy can cause cancer has been brought down to a minimum over the last few years.

    I have to admit though, I too am very worried about how much my skin will burn and how much the shape of my breast is going to change. Will definitely share my experience and tips and tricks with you!!

    I'm not in a happy place right now, dealing with the IVF outcome and such. But once things have calmed down a bit in my head I will go wig hunting as well! You have three?! Wow! And you gave em all names??? :) The caramel-kissed brunette is really looking good on you!

    Oh and I'm 30 and already turning grey :( Haha so that won't be shocker for me after chemo I guess. Do you think you wil have chemo curls?

    1. Hugs Ciel! I know it was a disappointing outcome... but miraculous things can happen!

      The wigs were named already by their style. Two out of three I wear. The third one was a sample and was only $50 and I realized when I got home that it totally wouldn't work for me so it will be my back up one when I want to go stealth mode with sunglasses on. At night. Inside.

      I had some grey before too... just wasnt expecting a whole head of it!! I wonder if it will be curly also... we shall see!

  2. Hi Ashley! I'm liking the side-swept bangs on you. Very cute! (Of course, you are very beautiful without it too). Praying for you tomorrow. Jenn

  3. Wow! Our stories almost match with a few exceptions. I have 8 radiations down with 20 more to go. I, too, have the same worries you do. It was as if you knew exactly what I was thinking. My hair is growing back with a lot more grey. Good luck this. Week.

    1. Just popped by your blog as well... your fears about radiation are the same as mine! I loved your roadtrip analogy. It's bang on!

      I am a week behind you looks like with rads... I hope that you are not having any skin problems from it. Thanks for wishing me luck! xo

  4. You make everything work, Ash. You find a way. You're miraculous.