Like many people, before I go to bed at night I have a hard time quieting my mind. Only now the thoughts I have before I fall asleep are no longer the simple silly worries and ponderings that I would have in my pre-cancer days. At night I often have enough internal banter brewing that I could write a blog post in my head. But lately I have been so busy I just haven't had any time to write my thoughts down... which has actually been causing a bit of frustration because I have really felt like I need to get a bunch of stuff off my chest. (there is a twisted unintentional pun in that last sentence)
Because I am pressed for time this morning (off to the city once again for appointments) I think I am just gonna make this a random thought post.
First few thoughts of the day:
- I hate taking BC Ferries. I hate traveling to Vancouver. I hate the line up. I hate the waiting. I hate the panic I feel whenever I am sitting on that bloody boat. I hate the anxiety, the worry and the fact that everything about taking that stupid ferry 'ride' reminds me of my trips for appointments and the fact that I have had cancer.
- My implant is driving me crazy. It's uncomfortable. It's tightened up making it really hard to reach and stretch. My armpit hurts and tingles. My nerves are hurting where the implant meets my under arm area all the way up my arm. I can't lay on my side or front. It aches. It's cold. And it feels like I have a frozen shot-putt attached to my chest.
- As I said, I have been busy. I think busy could be good. But in my case it has been overwhelming. I am the type of person who needs to have a few days in my week where NOTHING is penciled in my day-timer. And ever since January began it has been appointment after appointment, meeting after meeting, chore after chore, paperwork after paperwork. A lot of this is by choice, yes. But what I am starting to figure out is that maybe I have been over-doing it.
- I attempted to find some joy yesterday by picking up the paint brush and doing a little 5"x 5" canvas painting. Sadly I felt zero satisfaction after it was complete.
- Even though it's 3 months away, I am terrified to have my next bone scan. The thought of it haunts me daily as I play out the movies of what could happen in my head.
- Tamoxifuck is gracing me with hot flashes, mood swings, night sweats, insomnia, joint pain and bad dreams.
- I think I am slowly conquering the insomnia I had since Christmas. With a little help from my friend Ativan.
- I feel lost. I feel scared. I feel anxious. I feel tired and flat.
- I don't know what I am doing.
Recently a fellow member shared this caption with the group:
Remember: your future is built one step at a time. Step one is finding and creating your new normal. How long it takes to get there will reveal itself along the way. Progress isn't always steady, with one day better than the day past. You can take three steps forward, one step back, no step the next day, an then a side step before you make more forward progress again. There is no fixed number for how long it takes to get back to normal. My rule of thumb is that it takes at least as long as the time from diagnosis through the end of treatment. As long as your overall path is forward, take comfort. Your patience and persistence will pay off. Build momentum whenever you can. Along the way you'll be rewarded as you see glimpses of your old self and piece together a new vision for yourself and your future.
Today and the last few days feeling like steps backwards - I really needed to read that this morning.