Friday, December 21, 2012

It's Not The End Of The World. (But If It Was...)

Today is the last day on the Mayan calendar. The day that some people believed the world could come to a crashing, catastrophic end. Well, as I write this it is already tomorrow on the other side of the planet. I think we are in the clear people.

Another thing I considered when coming to the conclusion that we need not worry is that the Mayan calendar did not factor in leap years. So technically, if our lovely earth was set for an Armageddon, it should have happened approximately four years ago.

My real belief in all this December 21 nonsense? Maybe the guy who made the calendar just got tired. Maybe he knew he had to finish it. Perhaps his hands hurt from working on it for so long. He couldn't let it go on forever! Do they stock future calendars that far advance these days? Doubt there are any 2050 calendars sitting on a skid in some warehouse right now!

So maybe the guy just made the call to have this calendar end in 2012... Maybe he had stuff to do... People to see. Family to hang out with. Dinner to eat. A hobby that was beckoning him even? Maybe he had some LIVING to do.

While I am guessing that the majority of people are not actually really concerned that the planet is going to end today, I think the thoughts of "what if" do still cross our minds. You see, ever since I realized that post-cancer life isn't all happy-go-lucky care-free living filled with celebratory parties and sparkly-unicorn-filled brew-ha-ha, I have been living in a constant state of "what ifs". (Yes, I'm still on the cancer stuff. The topic is what prompted the birth of this blog in the first place so I can pretty much say that every post is going to contain some form of cancer-speak even if I do meander a bit here and there.)

Now back to those unknown and mysterious "what ifs"...

Nope, we don't really know what's going to happen. Nobody has a crystal ball fortune telling the fate of our world. There isn't some book out there clearly mapping out major world events with impeccable accuracy. Just like I can't begin to know what will come of my own future and what will happen to me.

But the thoughts are still there... each day it is hard to completely live in the present moment without thinking about possible outcomes of the future.

What if the world really DOES end!? What if Mike doesn't get more work? What if I get cancer again? What if I find out I have the breast cancer gene? What if I don't know who I am anymore? What if a tree falls on our house during a storm? What if cats started falling from the sky!? I kidd...

For real though yo! Everyone has their own little slew of 'what if' scenarios. It's hard not to. Admit it, you do it too... maybe not to the extreme of some of mine... but your 'what ifs' are there.

So... WHAT IF today, December 21, 2012 really IS supposed to be IT? 99.9% not going to happen. But what if it was?

If life as we know it were to go bye bye at any second now I would say this...

You better be doing something you love. I hope you're cozying up with loved ones, playing games, adoring your partner, snuggling your kids, listening to great music, eating baking and living the heck out of each precious moment.

Speaking of precious moments... Lately I have been really wanting to relish this time of year (aka "the Holidays") Even if it is taking me a bit of effort to get into it... I recently have just really wanted to gobble this season up... be with friends and family... go nuts with baking... sing annoying jingle bells... and sink my teeth into some Christmas spirit complete with my cuppa holiday cheer. Sorry if that sounded creepy and cheeseball. It's just what's goin' on with me! I liken this feeling to how the Grinch felt after his heart grew three sizes and he lifted his sleigh on top of Mount Crumpit.

Yes, with the holidays right around the corner I am finding myself getting a little mushy and nostalgic... a little teary and smiley all at once. Not just for the time of year it is with the lights, decorations, memories of my childhood, tree smells, kids getting excited about Santa, fireplace and colder weather ... But because I am here.

I am alive.

I had a horrendous year of cancer but I am alive. I made it to December... that time of season again where a year ago I was in shock and terrified of what I didn't even know I would have to endure in 2012. (I was living one big massive 'what if' back then!)

Yes, I am having a difficult time coping with lingering effects of treatment. I am having some major emotional battles from all the trauma that has gone on. I feel lost. I worry, I have fear, anxiety, depressed moods, I still cry in bed some nights and ponder 'what ifs' till the cows come home.

But I am fucking here. (pardon my french Mike's Grandma)

Knowing that I got through the shittiest year of my life... knowing I made it and I am here today to spend the holidays with family and friends is pretty awesome. If the world did decide to end today, at least I can say I am with the ones I love.

So, although the reminders and memories of last year still come up each day and the 'what ifs' still find their way to the surface... I have found a little bit of spirit in me just in time for the holidays. Just a bit of hope and gratitude for this life. A bit of joy being with the people I care about. And a little fire in my heart. It may be a small blue flame... but it's lit and it's alive filled with love.

Merry Christmas everyone :)


  1. It feels like we are in the same spot. The worries and fears are always creeping in. I, too, am relishing in this holiday season. My kids will benefit from the way too many gifts this year. We are still fu@&*#% here! So, I raise my glass to you wishing you a wonderful Christmas and a better new year for us both!

    1. Hope you had a great Christmas! Glad you were going all out with gifts! It definitely feels different this year... Wishing you an awesome healthy 2013!! xo

  2. So happy to read this post. I actually wrote you an email earlier today (before reading this post). Glad you found the Christmas spirit! I'm so hoping to feel the same next year! It's a struggle and we're not there.. but we're doing it! We really should give ourselves more credit sometimes. Cheers!

    1. I really hope that despite chemo you were able to still enjoy a little bit of your Christmas this year Ciel... I just read your email. Sending you a big hug! And lots of credit!!! I went through very similar sad days like you described. It is a very difficult time. You need to allow for the emotions to occur and do what your body needs. Not always what our minds want though... that's the tricky part. Lots of love! xo